Inspired by the title alone, I grabbed this out of a three dollar a movie bulk bin and boy, did I get my money’s worth. Well, not really, but hey, what else do I have to justify spending my hard-earned cash on this atrocious bile. With the advent of straight to video, the action genre in recent years, seems to have gone completely downhill. “Gunblast Vodka” is a perfect example of why the genre as a whole, has gone in that direction. Released in 2000, the film did a short theatrical run before disappearing into video obscurity where it belongs. The film is simply one of the worst films you’re likely to watch.

          When an American consul's ex-wife, Jane Woods (Angie Everhart), is kidnapped by a vicious group with no outward connection to any terrorist outfit, the embassy elects to bring in an outsider to do their dirty work, someone described as “a Jewish John Wayne.” The outsider is none other than a former Mossad-agent and Orthodox Jew named Abel Rothstein (Goetz Otto) who, long ago, retired from the ‘game’ after his wife was killed in the Golan Heights. By sheer coincidence, Woods resembles his dead wife and Abel agrees to rescue her. Much to his chagrin, he is paired with a wily and possibly corrupt Polish police inspector, Marek Brzeczyszczykiewicz (Mariusz Pujszo). Straight arrow Woods is the type of guy who understands dedication and family, even taking the time to pray daily. On the other side of the coin, the inspector spends most of his free time and money bedding local prostitutes and strippers. He even has life philosophy; “Treat whores like princesses and princesses like whores”. A student of Max Hardcore, I see. These two go together like oil and water, and their early scenes are rife with comedic morsels as they feel each other out and attempt to co-exist. Supported by his gruff macho cigar-smoking boss, Captain Pakoca (the beautiful, Anja Kruse) it isn’t long before Marek and Abel are piecing together the various clues, while discovering that deep down they are more alike than they first thought. The captive Jane, locked away in a Nazi-era dungeon of a castle, soon begins to understand her own dire situation. This isn’t just some hostage situation she’s involved in, nope, it's so much worse. One of her ex-husband’s former associates, a local business man named Sacha Rublov (Jurgen Prochnow), just happens to be operating a very lucrative snuff-film operation, one that allows users from around the world to bid on the various girls, models, they want to see get brutally murdered on camera. It's an interesting idea considering that this actually came before Eli Roth's overrated "Hostel". Following a good hour of piss-poor detective work (think of an episode of CSI written by twelve year olds), the Jewish John Wayne and his corruptible, certifiable co-hort are standing just outside Sacha’s castle portraying a couple of bidders – building towards an agonizingly long action set piece that seems to have been inspired by late-70s kung-fu pics and early 80’s actioners but fails miserably to pull it off.

          French filmmaker Jean-Louis Daniel, shooting on location in Ksiaz and Wroclaw in Poland, seems unable to make full use of his surroundings -- especially since so much of the film happens inside darkened rooms or in stuffy offices, What a waste. This is also a film that seems to celebrate the ugly American obsession with violent movies and brooding machismo epitomized by guys like John Wayne and Charles Bronson. Everything about this film screams, "I'm tough, look at me." Otto, for one, seems to be doing his best Clint Eastwood swagger, while perpetually sizing up anyone in his vicinity. Sadly, he's simply not that intimidating. He's like a muscular Don Knotts. Interestingly, Daniel even has the girls play macho -- something that felt, in all sincerity, quite genuine. I know that I wouldn't want to find myself in a back alley with one of the females in this film. The American actiion film menality, that every problem is easily worked out with a bullet, is adhered to quite closely. The big problem for the film is that it lacks a consistent tone. On one hand, we have a very frightening piece about snuff films and the women who are forced or tricked into appearing in them – even drawing a blunt correlation about these films and the sheer number of women who go missing in Central Europe every year. At the same time, Abel and Marek’s antics seem more befitting of a comedy – something along the lines of Laurel and Hardy, as one of the character’s in the movie actually put it. It’s really hard to find a comfort zone with this kind of hoop-jumping. Some have called the film misogynistic but I thought Daniel did a pretty good job of showing some very strong and competent females, who, while waiting for a man to come and save them, actually manage to save themselves. Everhart’s Woods proves herself quite proficient, even hero-like, as she outwits her captors not once but twice. Anja Kruse’s character, although a cliché, proves quite a badass, as do most of the female villains, as I pointed out earlier. This film, unbelievably, seems to celebrate women.

          There’s plenty of manic energy here but it’s only by chance, as Daniel's erratic ‘early 80’s music-video’ editing style (by Alain Derene) gives the film a sort of hastened incomprehensible feel which is made even worse by the cinematography (by George Bartels and Hugues de Haeck), which feels totally pedestrian and detached from the action onscreen. It’s as if Daniel was attempting to do Tony Scott, aping his rapid edits, jump cuts, and sideways camera-angles. Sadly, Daniel isn’t experienced enough to pull off such craftsmanship, so his style feels nothing short of amateurish and silly, and does little to smooth out the story. Oh, and I haven’t even mentioned the poor dubbing, something of which contaminates every frame of film. You can practically picture somebody sitting in a studio somewhere doing lines, later to be dubbed into the audio of the film. Its perplexing seeing a mouth uttering the lines in a language you understand and then seeing those actual words in the same language barely matching up – in nearly every scene.

          Angie Everhart (2008’s “The Unknown Trilogy”) as Jane Woods is the only truly marketable name in this whole lot and, yet, she’s given very little dialogue and spends much of her screen time laying face down in mud. When she does get a chance to deliver, she comes off as wretched. I actually felt bad for her and I hope she fired her agent. Goetz Otto (2006’s “Alien Autopsy”) as Abel Rothstein, looks good and has a gruff but likeable demeanour, but that’s about it. As an action hero, there isn’t much to hang your hat on. His character’s search for Woods, inspired by his love for his dead wife, is interesting, as is the final moment in the film where he stares at Everhart’s character intently and lovingly. Mariusz Pujszo (1985’s “Power of Evil”) as Marek Brzeczyszczykiewicz, provides the film’s most interesting character, for sure. Proud of the fact that he can, by smell alone, tell when a female last had sexual intercourse, Marek is about as perverted a cop I've seen on film since Keitel's turn as the "Bad Lieutenant". His frequent trysts with local prostitutes and his demeaning treatment of female prisoners, has made him a candidate for any number of sexual harassment lawsuits and a total departmental liability. As punishment, he is assigned to babysit Goetz’s character. I loved that.

          Talented actor Jürgen Prochnow (1986’s “Killing Cars”) is wasted in his ludicrous role as the villainous Sacha Roublev. Reciting biblical quotes as he commits various atrocities is a blatant rip off of Tarantino’s “Pulp Fiction” -- even suggesting that he might be the devil himself, something else Tarantino did. There’s nothing new about this baddie, and we know nothing of his motivation minus, say, his family had a fondness for Nazi’s or something. Clearly Prochnow, like Everhart, took on this project for the pay cheque, and I don’t begrudge them the chance to make money but as a fan, I hate seeing good names attached to bad projects. Prochnow is in sleepwalk mode. I guess the only reason I’d offer to see this is Anja Kruse (1993's "Blind Man's Bluff"), who, at least, is attractive enough to make the viewing worthwhile.

          Also, the DVD mastering is a total mess. The images look as they received anamorphic processing causing the picture to look tightened giving everybody that anorexic look. Sadly, no amount of tinkering can fix it. The DVD I purchased for all of about three dollars came equipped with no menus, chapter selection or even a trailer. Pretty sad when you have to go onto the internet to find the film's trailer after you've spent the money buying the thing. Skip this mess. This is one of those so bad it's bad action movies that, although occasionally diverting, it's still not worthy of your time.