What starts out as a slasher in the woods film, slowly and methodically conflates into just another in a long line of exhaustive zombie-gore pictures. The fusion of these two additives are sure to bring joy to the heart of many a tenacious horror enthusiast, but for anyone else, this is sure to be just another unfastidious slander to the under-appreciated, but occasionally great, genre. Tim Muskatell (2002‘s “Hell Asylum“) plays Samuel Parks, the next in a interminable line of cinematic serial killers, who, when not telling blonde jokes, or waxing on long about teleology, likes to partake in the occasional rape and murder. The Parks character is not your typical bloodthirsty raving lunatic, nope, his expostulation for being homicidal is culled from a ‘higher-purpose’ -- sort of the David Berkowitz mindset, I guess you could say. See, Parks believes that he is a benign person who has been systematically altered into a tool of savagery in order to carry out the wishes of his master -- which could be the devil, but more likely, is the benevolent God we all know and love. His skyward pronouncements seem contrary to the film’s title. It suggests, instead, that Parks is carrying out this devoir to appease the God in the Heavens, rather than the one down below. I like that. Every once in awhile it’s nice to see something that contradicts popular etiquette.

With the serial killer exposition out of the way, I will focus on the film’s other group of characters -- and there’s a bunch. The film’s two main protagonists are Allison, Erica Doering (1996’s “Little Witches”) and Cody, Philippe Kane (2002’s “The Frightening”). Putting a reversal on the old adage ‘Your best friends can also be your worst enemies’ - these two friendly acquaintances have a serious falling out in the first scene, laying the groundwork for what comes later. Allison, the film’s sinewy female character, accuses Cody, the film’s sort-of Bohemian anti-hero, of not keeping his quota up, and as the company leader, she takes it upon herself to fire him. Cody, on the other hand, believes Allison attained her high-stature position more from nepotism than any kind of hard work. This might ring true, since, apparently, her father owns the company. If Cody merely tolerated Allison before, he totally despises her now. It’s interesting that these two characters would become unlikely allies.

The other faces -- three gothically-attired girls, bromide characters obviously dreamed up by DeFino and Steiner while salivating over Kim Director in “Blair Witch Project 2: Book of Shadows” and whatever Marilyn Manson video that might have followed it, never seem to elevate themselves above their stereotypes. They are lead by b-movie stalwart, Tiffany Shepis (2003’s “Bloody Murder 2: Closing Camp”), who screeches more than talks in her small role as Zelda. Next there’s Elizabeth DeWet, playing the amiable Hazel, whose bizarre attempts to convey her character’s vulnerability, involve baring her breasts on camera -- in her first ever film, no less. Lastly we have, be-still-my-heart, Rainbow Underhill (1998’s “Artemis”) as Gretal. These three are totally under-written and serve no real purpose outside of being a device to assail the meandering plot in one key scene, while providing some unconventional eye candy. After they‘ve served their purpose though, they are all but forgotten. The other players, more examples of media stereotypes and Steiner‘s distinct lack of originality, include Hollywood stuntman, and sometimes actor, Larnell Stovall (2005’s “The Shooting Gallery”) as Marcus, who, as the only black man in the cast, comes off as the living breathing cardboard cut-out of every commercialized urban rap-artist ever. He scowls a lot, speaks in curse word laden derogatory slang, disses ‘the white man‘ a lot, carries a gun, and when he shoots, he even tilts it to the side to give him that sort-of ghetto-edge. Forget the fact that earlier in the film he‘s portrayed as a thoughtful, health conscious, uber-savvy businessman, who is slightly more intelligent than anyone else in his office. Nice to see him reduced to the level of a street thug by film’s end. There’s two other characters, a couple of laughable hillbilly types, Cooter, played by the film‘s writer Richard Steiner (2006‘s “Revelations“), and Cleetus, played by Trent Haaga (1999‘s “Terror Firmer“), who round out this solid -- and I use solid in the broadest meaning of the term -- cast.

All of these characters minus the hillbillies and the killer, are introduced at an office party early on. By coincidence, or fate, or whatever, everybody in the cast seems to gravitate up to the mountains -- into the deep dark woods, where they, unbeknownst to each other, are involved in the release of a demon from Hell. “The Dark Woods“, was, incidentally, the original title for all you trivia aficionados. Anyways, while heading up into the hills to see her sister, Allison has some unexpected car troubles. The long walk to the nearest gas station is fraught with difficulty as Allison is forced to deal with the annoying Cleetus and Cooter, and their awkward offers to give her a ride. Later, she finds herself in some real trouble when old Samuel Parks comes moseying up her particular stretch of rural road. At the same time -- follow-me here because there’s a whole bunch of “at the same times” to come --  Cody, out on a job hunt, comes rounding the nearest bend, just in time to save Allison from wild-man Parks. Cliches abound when Cody’s car suddenly won’t start and he’s forced to go hand-to-hand with the psycho… a psycho that, despite having a bottle crashed over his head, just won’t stay down. At the same time, as night begins to fall, and the Equinox, the time of year when day and night are of equal length, sets in, our three goth girls, Zelda, Hazel and Gretal, just happen to stumble into the woods right near where Allison and Cody are hiding, to have a little séance. The girls have this little book see, a sort of alchemy for dummies, that guarantees them a demon (or something) if they recite some passages from it. Okay, here’s some more “at the same times”, Parks eventually finds Cody and Allison, who, while getting lost in the woods, have also managed to put aside their differences. Allison charges off to get help, and finds Marcus jogging nearby at the same time - and very conveniently, I might add.

Cody and Parks have a double-barrel scrap that ends just before Marcus arrives, with Parks getting pummelled to a nice reddish gelatin by a frenzied Cody. Cue plot device, because at the same time as the now-dead Parks’ blood soaks into the soil, the three chanting goth girls have somehow managed to raise their demon -- or at least, they’ve raised what can be tentatively called a major ruckus. The wind picks up and the forest sways raucously around them as it becomes glaringly apparent that something has gotten scrambled, and whatever that ‘something’ is -- it’s seeping over into their physical world. Yup, the paranormal waves are churning and before they know it, all hell breaks loose in the woods. What’s left for the remainder of the film is an amalgam of craziness as our three reluctant heroes, Cody, Allison and Marcus, are forced to fend off a veritable troop of zombies, a demonic baby and their own fast-flying insults, all while trying to bring harmony back to the world around them. Without giving too much away, Allison accidentally stumbles upon that alchemy for dummies book, and it’s off to the races.

David DeFino and Richard Steiner have some interesting ideas, but they are just not able to translate them well onto the screen. Technically, the film is about as inferior as anything I‘ve seen. There are long stretches where the audio cuts out before a scene ends, so we’re left with lengthy patches of no-sound. There’s not even a lower ambient sound, there’s nothing -- just dead silence. Also, the script is inconsistent. Sometimes it radiates with wit; there’s a scene where Cody and Marcus argue about who is going to kill a zombie. Marcus cites how black men are always the first to die in horror movies, while Cody fires back that it was a black man who was the hero in “Night of the Living Dead”. Other times, the script is really ugly, and any wit shown by Steiner is quickly trumped by his own inherent intolerance, which is on display throughout, I might add. From Cody’s unprovoked, ugly rants about Koreans to Marcus’ ridiculous commentary on white people, it’s all unsavoury, and truly the mark of a writer who is appealing to the lowest common denominator while reaching for what he believes is authenticity.

On the upside, the acting throughout is pretty good. The leads, Erica Doering and Philippe Kane are respectable, and should be commended for keeping a straight face through this torturous slice of cinema. Tiffany Shepis, who is on par with Brinke Stevens as having appeared in the most b-movies, is practically unrecognizable here - under lit and buried under a pound of make-up. This is a wasted performance. Trent Haaga, a guy that I was the most surprised to see, really goes over-the-top here in his good ole boy role. It was nice to see him. Tim Muskatell, the guy playing the serial killer, seems to equate loud with scary and it doesn’t always work, but I’ll give him his due -- he was pretty intimidating. Lastly, and this might be just hubris on my part, but I think Rainbow Underhill, who played Gretal, clearly needs to be in more movies! Now! Watch this at your own risk.

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