One-Eyed Monster

One-Eyed Monster (2008)

  • Straight to Video
  • Director: Adam Fields
  • Written by: Adam Fields, Scott Fields, Jordan Fields
  • Running Time: 90 minutes
  • Language: English
  • MPAA Rating: R - Restricted
  • Cast: Ron Jeremy, Charles Napier, Veronica Hart, Amber Benson, Jason Graham, Caleb Mayo, Bart Fletcher, Jenny Guy, Jeff Denton, John Edward Lee, Carmen Hart, Frank Noel

"One-Eyed Monster” is a film that takes the perception of objectification and runs with it like a Compton carjacker bolting from the cops. It’s Andrea Dworkin’s wet dream – a killer detached penis on the loose mowing down women like Max Hardcore on an amphetamine sulphate binge. Ironically, though, this film manages to elucidate the reality that, yes, even in porn, the appendage does not make the man. Sorry folks but Ron Jeremy’s penis would be nothing without Ron Jeremy, no matter how long or well rounded it might be.

Vociferous anti-porn advocates like the late Andrea Dworkin have long bellyached about how the adult film industry objectifies women (men are rarely mentioned because, as we all know, men aren’t important to them) treating them as nothing more than a piece of furniture. They suggest that women are more than the sum of their parts and that porn exploits them and their vulnerabilities, even though these “victims” are consenting adults who have chosen their life path. Such an argument could also be made for professional athletes, who are rarely, anything more than the sum of their parts, and are as expendable as bubble gum wrapper the moment they can no longer “perform”. At least athletes have their dignity, the porn-haters grumble. Yes, remind yourself that the next time a once popular boxer appears on your television screen, punch drunk and drooling, barely able to recant without help his once great past. Dignity at the ever-present realization that those juiced up brutes "athletes" filling your screen, are forever sneering with contempt at their fans while lining up whatever endorsement deal their agent has for them down the pipe. For me, porn, like sports, is a business and it’s a business that pays very well – and, unlike sports, it’s a business that allows someone as visually repulsive and obese as Ron Jeremy to flourish to the point of becoming a neo-celebrity. Ironically, it is also an industry that allows women like Nina Hartley and Veronica Hart, both in their late forties, to continue working, collecting a pay check, even though their day in the sun has long since passed. In the sports arena, they’d practically be run out of town on the end of an over-sized index finger. Yes, for all of its inherent moral volatility, porn is still an industry that favours youth, but also – somehow - manages to find a way to revere its elders.

For brothers Adam, Jordan and Scott Fields, weaving a literal translation of Andrea Dworkin’s twisted idea of men as nothing more than walking penises hell-bent on destruction, into a seemingly faithful representation of the fast food nature of the contemporary adult film industry, is a project nine years in the making and, I’m hunching, a dream come true for the trio. The sheer notion of subverting the mechanical monster movie by making the monster as preposterous as possible -- in this case, a detached, bloodthirsty and, apparently, very mobile human penis - is unto itself outrageous, which is then made even more outrageous by having the cast play the material straight up the middle to the point of sombre.

"One-Eyed Monster” is the kind of dark, absurdist, puerile horror-comedy that most any actor with a background not in porn, would dare touch. That the Brothers were able to secure legendary actor Charles Napier as well as hot, up and coming actress Amber Benson, into small but imperative roles, speaks to the strength of their script. Yes, this might be hard to believe considering that the premise involves a killer cock, but the writing here is smart, funny and, yes, strangely charming. It’s a script that is fully aware of its own farcicality and the incongruous situation it places its characters in, and, instead of going dumb (as another killer cock movie, “Pervert”, opted to do), this one remains steadfastly true to its own ludicrous foundation, allowing it to play out as if it was the mother of all monster-on-the-loose flicks. “Jaws” and “The Thing” are summoned up in minor quantities and aspects of which are worked into the film’s narrative in such a way as to actually add clarity to the proceedings, rather than the usual dreary homage.

With a large debt hanging over his head and the promise of some busted kneecaps if it isn’t paid, a sleazy porn producer, Jim (Jeff Denton), drags his entire 9-person cast and crew up into the snow-covered Mammoth Lakes, California mountain range, to a small isolated cabin. Forget the fact that a “whopper” of a winter storm is looming over the horizon, that the nearest cabin is on the other side of the mountain and they can’t seem to get any cell-phone reception, Jim, as it turns out, doesn’t have a lot of time and is hoping that by securing a big name star (Ron Jeremy) and a nice scenic location, he might endear his on-the-fly sex flick, Wet Dream Girls, to at least one producer down in the valley. Of course, with all those variables lined up, there is the chance that something could go wrong. And considering that this film is categorized as a horror-comedy, you just know that it will.

Upon setting up for the first scene, the cast and the crew get to know each other a little better by engaging in a vigorous round of snow ball fights, by talking shop (one girl tells of how she prepares for her ass-licking scenes) and, for the Bill Gates-like soundman, T.J. (Caleb Mayo), showing off his new fangled “neuro-tactile simulator”, a device that reproduces the experience of screwing your favourite female celebrity, in whatever orifice you prefer -- it's contemplating the fortune he is sure to make. For Veronica Hart (God this woman is beautiful!), a former porn star turned make-up artist/ scene coach (art imitating life, here) and Ron Jeremy, the down time allows them to reflect on the past, including their first scene together which occurred apparently back in 1979. Ron laments the fact that he can no longer suck his own dick; “All I can do is kiss the tip,” he grumbles to Veronica. Sadly, Hart has some issues of her own, namely the fact that she is getting up in years but still wants to work as a performer. Thankfully, Ron gives her a pep talk and before long Veronica is marching into Jim’s room looking for a part in the film. A three decade-long stint in the porn industry has taught her a few things, like how to best control certain muscles, and, well, for Jim - a quickie demonstration is all the incentive he needs to cast her in the film.

While prepping up for his scene opposite Veronica, Ron’s age suddenly factors into the situation, namely in his inability to get an erection. Ron’s refusal to take male potency drugs is well known in the industry, and thus, Jim is forced to wait as Ron steps outside for a breath of fresh air. He is joined by lighting/cameraman Jonah (Jason Graham), who enquires whether or not Ron is feeling okay. “I miss the good days,” Ron tells him, eventually busting into an “old porn versus new porn” diatribe that sounds strangely sincere, especially considering the utilitarian reality-show semantics of most current porn. Anyways, Jonah wanders off to the van for some equipment while Ron stops to take a squirt. He suddenly spots a strange light way up in the sky and calls to Jonah to take a look. “A falling star,” the quasi-cinematographer bellows. Well, before you know it, the object is streaking in Jeremy’s direction -- two falling stars colliding in an explosion of light and fury. When Ron rises to his feet, he’s no longer feeling himself and for good reason, he’s not himself. This fact is best illuminated when, back inside, gentle Ron suddenly becomes rampaging Ron, nearly tearing through Veronica like a pissed off Brandon Iron on a bender. Interesting that the Brothers elect to cock the scene with a laugh as Jim commands Ron to take off his sweater. “I’m not wearing a sweater,” Ron tells him. If Ron’s furry coat was a minor issue before, the sudden realization that Ron Jeremy has expired, that Veronica is laying in a heap, bleeding profusely from her vagina and that Ron’s most famous 9 and three-quarter appendage has literally torn itself from his body and is running around the mountain, possibly killing people, well, he’s suddenly in for heaps o’ worry. Oh, and remember that storm that was brewing, well, let’s just say that it has arrived with a furious vengeance.

Passing only the 25-minute mark, the remainder of the film quickly veers into a strange hybrid of “Alien”, “Jaws” and “The Thing”, with the survivors attempting to outfox Ron’s crafty disembodied bratwurst in ways that feel strangely similar to those three films I mentioned, but not so much that it feels like an inverted 'jokes-on-us’ parody. Salvation arrives in the form of cliché…er… Russ Meyer-holdover Charles Napier, playing a half-crazed Vietnam vet named Mohtz. Having witnessed the strange explosion of light earlier, Mohtz has somehow found his way to the cabin in an effort to help. As it turns out, the whiskey-sipping vet has dealt with rampaging penises in the past, while in Nam, something he articulates in deadly serious sermon that smells like a parody of Robert Shaw’s U.S.S. Indianapolis speech. As T.J. unravels the reality of the situation, coming up with a theory that might explain what exactly is happening. He reasons that due to the sheer volume of satellite transmissions going off into space, carrying pornography (and of that pornography -- a good portion of it is carrying Ron’s... face) the aliens – in an attempt to find a vessel to reproduce on a massive scale - have probably targeted Ron thanks to his knack for getting females by the thousands to spread their legs. It’s a clever idea, for sure, but not nearly as clever as how the survivors eventually deal with it. Let’s just say that it will surely invoke a few tense muscles and a shit load of laughs.

As I said earlier Adam, Jordan and Scott Fields opt to play this straight, with the laughs coming almost entirely from the absurdity of the situation rather than from some self-created tongue in cheek design. Hence, the film’s major strength, the fact that it doesn’t take the languid way out by turning it one-big joke. This is a rare film where we never suspect that the production is in on the gag, even though the whole thing is utterly preposterous. Even stale clichés are erected, subverted, and then set loose upon the narrative. Jason Graham (2003's "The Last Race"), playing the ultimate cliché turned inside out, Jonah, he fits nicely into those Romero-esque black heroes like Duane Jones and Ken Foree. Graham offers up the definitive thoughtful leading man, and his good work undeniably helps to set the film’s near-perfect tone. “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” star Amber Benson, also helps out, mostly lending credibility to the production, even in her smaller part. As Laura, the type of saintly sex-flick make-up girl who only exists in the movies it seems, she represents the obsessed porn fan – a sort of ‘off-kilter’ girl who makes googly eyes at Ron while gushing to him about his telephone book-sized inventory of lovers. Bleeding tension into the story, her strange fixation on Ron (including the newly disembodied Ron) factors into the film’s big shocker of an ending of which I absolutely loved. Charles Napier (1970's "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls") is a riot. With a furrowed brow and a stern grave look in his eyes, he never flinches as he launches into his Vietnam horror story. As porn stars, Bart Fletcher (2008's "Dog Tags"), John Edward Lee (2009's "War Wolves"), Jenny Guy (2008's "Fun World") and Carmen Hart, are given some depth – including worries of AIDS and an evolving romantic subplot that sadly, never really goes anywhere. The only big loser is real life porn starlet Carmen Hart, who ditzes it up before being unceremoniously deep-throated to death. Stealing the film is Ron Jeremy (2005's "The Wickeds") and Veronica Hart (1997's "Boogie Nights"), essentially playing themselves – two ageing pornstars. There’s a certain sweetness and humanity that comes from watching these two old friends together, that even the world’s best actors couldn’t deliver. It’s sad that we couldn’t spend more time with them, shooting the shit about the good old days and lamenting the fact that beer guts make self-oral copulation difficult. For me, that was my favourite part of the “One Eyed Monster” – which says quite a bit considering how much I enjoyed the film as a whole.

Better than any of the killer cock movies on the market and easily one of the better horror-comedy flicks out there, this is a must see!